Two week count down, and you know what? I feel great. 

I don't feel scared at all at this point...I keep saying at this point because I expect myself, some time in the next fortnight, to wake up and realise I should be nervous...I don't know if that will happen. 

So what am I doing to prepare? 
Well exams are nearly over so I can finally give this my full attention. 

• I am going to get fit...over the next two weeks I'm going to do something everyday; swim, yoga, cycle etc. I am hoping Sean will hold me to this as I will soon get bored and give up. 
  
• I am going to give up coffee...after the last exam of course! Coffee constricts small blood vessels, not good for healing, so I wont drink it again until I am healed. This is a big deal for me...if I don't have coffee in the morning I get a headache! So I have the decaf ready.
  
• I am going to stop drinking, after my Goodbye Boob Party (more on that later). I don't really drink much (apart from at my Boob Party!)...a glass of Red occasionally so I don't actually know why I'm doing this, think I just feel like its the right thing to do (?). It isn't strictly the right thing to do (if you want some medical trivia) an occasional small glass of Red is actually quite protective health wise (see the NICE guidelines for familial BC...they suggest you carry on drinking to protect against heart disease) I emphasis occasional and small! But it does make sense to stop drinking a good while before having a general anaesthetic. 
• I am going to eat lots of fruit and veg and protein. I already eat healthily but I don't eat enough fruit and upping my protein (eggs, dairy, nuts etc. rather than too much meat) will help with healing. 

I have this problem where I finish exams and I'm meant to start enjoying the break but I get a bit scared that I don't have any work...so turn my hobbies into a job.
I think this surgery has become my summer job.
Perhaps that is why I'm not scared, because I'm so focussed on doing it right...that probably isn't very healthy...a psychologist would have a field day. 

I don't wear a bra any more either! Not for any particular reason...I just couldn't think why I ever wore them anyway, nasty uncomfortable things. 
I'm gonna get rid of them soon...seems nice to give them a bit of fresh air and freedom first. 

The other day we had a lecture that touched on patient experience of illness. The lecturer mentioned a study that looked at the 10 worse things to say to someone who is ill...things such as "I feel so sorry for you" and "you look terrible". 

Sean turned to me and laughed...just before this lecture I had been telling him how I don't really like it when people say how "brave and strong" I am for having this mastectomy. Interestingly this is always people who don't have a BRCA mutation themselves.

I have been trying to write this post for a long time...I don't want to upset anyone, I appreciate the support that these comments convey. But having a prophylactic mastectomy doesn't make me feel brave and strong. 

I recently read two blogs, one by a British women who mirrored my sentiments exactly and one by an American lady who had a list of things she would like people to say to her...including you are "brave and strong". Now I don't want to make any assumptions, but the American lady also calls herself a Previvor, a term that makes me quite angry...but I will spare you that rant.

The truth is that I'm just getting on with it. This is the lot I was given and I'm just doing what I need to. I'm quite happy with my decision, sometimes scared but never angry or upset...so there is nothing to be brave and strong about. 

I wan't to emphasise that this is only what I need to do...my mother is the strongest women I know and she is choosing screening instead of mastectomy because that is what she needs to do.

Everybody has something...we all have our trials and rough points in life and we all just do what we need to do to get over and get on with it. 

And so its done, last week I had my final pre-op appointment with the surgeon...well it was actually with another of his many registrars. 

The appointment was good, I felt very relaxed and I liked this registrar much better than the last. He was understanding and empathetic and took the time to answer my few remaining questions. 

The nurse, this registrar and the registrar from my last appointment all had a good look at my breasts, did some measurements and then chose some implants from a magical unseen implant book. It was quite surreal to have an audience of three discussing what my breasts might weigh...300g was the consensus as far as I can tell...but the registrar explained that they would weigh my removed breast tissue to get an exact figure and ensure the implants match my current size as closely as possible. This made Sean and I happy; I want my new breasts to be as close a match to the old ones as possible and this method also means its very likely that I won't need expanders and can go straight to permanent implants.

Its six weeks to my operation and I feel good, completely prepared and not at all nervous. I'm sure I will be in a panic closer to the time! The next thing will be my pre-op health check, I imagine it will be about a week before the op and its just to check my general health and suitability for general anaesthetic...blood pressure, pulse, BMI etc.